I can't drive 55!

So once again I find myself driving along I-55 from The STL to Chicago. Let me just stop right here and talk about the fact that St. Louis is called The STL or The Lou. Seriously? Is that the best you can come up with St. Louis? The STL? The Lou? And what's with all this "the" business? Lame, I'd like you to meet my friend, St. Louis. St. Louis, Lame. Talk amongst yourselves. I'm just kidding. I actually find that I like St. Louis very much. Except for all those effing Cards fans. Go Cubs! Next year is our year! /tangent.

I've now driven I-55 between STL and Chicago about 7 times in the last few months and it is not an exciting drive. Most interstate drives are pretty boring (you don't here many songs about getting your kicks on the interstate do you?) but this one is especially dull. There's just nothing to see, except all the signs teasing me Route 66 signs. Yeah, yeah, I could drive R66, but as Lightening McQueen discovered, things move rather slowly on the mother road and my time is surprisingly valuable, so it's the interstate for me. Since there's nothing to really look at on I-55, I find myself critiquing (read: bitching about) the way other people drive. Why is driver's ed not mandatory in all states? And not just the one dinky little semester that the states who do require it offer, but like a full freaking year. In Germany, drivers ed is mandatory and is 1-2 years in length (and available only to those over 18). It is also done through private companies and costs a small fortune (seriously, thousands of dollars). Maybe that's why so many Germans use public transport. It's too expensive and too time consuming to get a license. Note to self: if you want to make lots of money, open a driving school in Germany. Everyone else, forget you read that. It was a note to self. Don't go stealing my ideas!

Anyway, I've compiled a list of complaints I have and how they can be remedied:



1. The left lane is for passing! Say it with me: The left lane is for passing. The left lane is for passing. The left lane is for passing. Got that? If you're in the left lane and there is a line of cars behind you that can't get around because you are doing the exact same speed as the car next to you in the right lane, get the fuck over! The left lane is not a driving lane, unless you're going faster than everyone else on the road. The left lane is for passing! Learn it, love it, live it!



2. The speed limit tells you how fast you can go! Imagine that! Now I admit, there are a few people *cough*me*cough* who might like to go a smidge over the posted limit (isn't it really just a suggestion?), but going consitently 20 mph under the speed limit (and in the left lane) should get you pokey ass drivers a ticket. If the limit is 65, do us all a favor and do at least 55 (in the right lane).



3. There's a little piece of magic built into every car that lets all the other cars around you know what you're going to do. What? What? I know, it sounds crazy, but it's totally true. No, it's not some government conspiracy to keep you on the grid, so settle down. It's this magical little lever, conveniently located near the 9:30ish position on the steering wheel, called the turn signals! You didn't know your car came with turn signals? Well, now you are enlightened! The lever goes up with a small flick of the finger to let people know you're going to be moving to the right ad goes down (again with a small flick of the finger) to let people know that you're going to be moving left! Also, there are little lights inside the car that let you know the signal is on, so you can turn it off if you need to. Contain yourself. Don't run out to your car just yet to see this magical little lever. I've got more to say, so file it away for later.



4. If you have to talk on your phone, get an ear piece. If your phone doesn't support bluetooth (anyone know why it's called that?), get a wired headset! They're cheap and you can keep at least one hand on the wheel. Which, believe it or not, is important.



5. Finally (for now anyway), trucks (meaning 18 wheelers, tow truck, dump trucks, any kind of truck really) should not be allowed in the left lane. Never. Not ever. You are not going to get around that other pokey ass truck in less than a mile or two (you're hauling a ton, let's be real here), so stay out of the left fucking lane. It's a passing lane for cars, not the Always Low Prices. Always. long-as-a-football-field-hauling-crap-nobody-really-needs-but-will-be-rushing-out-to-buy anyway, trucks. In Europe, lorries (big trucks) are not allowed in the left lane ever. And also can't drive on Sunday's unless they carry perishables. I think we should institute those laws in America. Writers note: I have great respect for truck drivers, because they do a good job at getting me all the crap I don't need to the store I don't really like. Just stay out of the left lane already!



Okay, I'm done. I'm sure there's more, but I'm tired. It was a long (boring) drive from The STL to Chicago (note no "the") so I'm off to my big comfy king size bed, where I will repeat my mantra over and over: The left lane is for passing. The left lane is for passing. The left lane is for passing...