How I amuse myself or a look into the mind of someone with too much free time

My job affords me a lot of free time. Don't tell my boss. I work hard, don't get me wrong, but there is lots of down time, which I have to fill to keep my brain from melting and leaking out my ears. I spend some of my spare time working on my book (but I'm so lazy about it-I know the ending, so I'm in no hurry to get there), reading other people's blogs, reading books (written by non-lazy writers), and watching TV. I watch a lot of TV. A lot. A. Lot. Leave it alone. September and October are of course the best months for TV, because that's when the fall lineup starts and everything is new and exciting and the networks hope no one notices that the stars of the show have gained or lost weight, gotten a tan/haircut/partial lobotomy during the hiatus when the show picks up a week or so after the last episode in May. Whatever. Network shows also have commercials. Lots and lots of commercials. If I can't fast forward because I've Tivo'd it, I have to watch them. Wheeee! I use part of my free time to re-write commercials in my head to make them more amusing. I know what you're thinking: What an amazing talent that is! You must be a genius. Yes, and yes. Thanks for noticing.
One of my favorite series of commercials are the local news commercials. My local NBC affilliate runs these seriously cheesy commercials where all the anchors talk about how wonderful the other anchors are. They go something like this (re: the sports caster)

Main Anchor Man: Here's the thing about [sports caster]: he loves his job. He's always out there. He's at every game, meeting the players, getting the true story. (cut to shot of sports caster at various ball games)

Main Anchor Woman: [Sport's caster] is just a great guy. Everybody loves [sports caster]. He's always laughing. (cut to shot of sports caster laughing)

Weather Chick: I love working with [sports caster]. He's a genuinely nice guy. He's passionate about sports. (cut to shot of sports caster doing what looks like very serious work).

Montage of sports caster doing sports caster-y things and then standing in front of the anchor desk smiling at the camera. End of commercial.


One word: Boring. I know these are supposed to make you feel like you know your local news people and that it's good that you invite them into your living room every evening, but they are so dull it boarders on ridiculous. I like to rewrite them in my head. The sports caster commercial goes a little something like this:

Main Anchor Man: Here's the thing about [sports caster]: he's a jerk. He gets tickets to every game. Every effing game. Good seats too. And do you think he ever asks me if I'd like to go? No. No he doesn't. I'm the effing anchor! What do I have to do to get tickets? Who do I have to slep with to meet the players? Anchor, people! I'm the anchor! (cut to shot of sports caster at various games)

Main Anchor Woman: [Sports caster] is an ass. A complete ass. Nobody likes that guy. He's always playing some kind of practical joke. Let me tell you, urinating in the coffee is not funny. Stop laughing [Sports Caster]! It's not effing funny! Somebody's going to get sick. (cut to shot of sports caster laughing)

Weather Chick: I hate working with [sports caster]. He's an asshole. Oh, he's passionate all right. Passionate about groping the new girl in the break room and then acting like he can't remember her name. I mean, I'm not just a pretty face you know. I studied journalism at my local community college. I am a serious journalist. One day I'm hoping to be on E! and am just here for the market exposure, but that does not give him the right to grab my ass as every opportunity. And he's always asking me to go to those stupid sports games with him. Like I even care about sports. He should ask the anchor man. He's always dropping hints about how he wants to go to the games but can't ever get tickets. I think he might play for the other team if you know what I mean. God, the men here are so worthless. (cut to shot of sports caster doing what looks like very serious work).

Montage of sports caster doing sports caster-y things and then standing in front of the anchor desk smiling at the camera. End of commercial.

Now, I ask, which of these would you find more entertaining? The local affiliate also has commercials for the 2 main anchors, the morning anchors and the weather girl and I find them all hilarious now that I have my own versions. Try this at home. It will give you something to think about while you're waiting for Chuck to come back on.